I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
