So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
