I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
