I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
