i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
it hurts more in the daytime
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
