I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
