just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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