Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
