I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
