Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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