Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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