Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
