I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I cockslap morals
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
