I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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