Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
