Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
