If that was your dad, he is hot
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
