also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
