When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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