matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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