Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
