i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
