The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
