if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
