i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
