party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
