Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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