You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
