If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Let's get the cat blown out
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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