Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
