i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
