how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
