birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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