I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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