Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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