That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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