Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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