I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
