Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
