The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
