All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Four minutes until I can fart!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
