what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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