No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
