There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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