Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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