I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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