it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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