My Higher Power is John Stamos
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
