I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
