my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
