I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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